I have a growing concern that social media is bad for our kids and is making a more negative impact than we realise. Especially as my son of 8 is growing up and seeing his peers already starting to get smart phones and already uses our iPad, I am scared. There seems to be an underlying expectation that at 10 we should be allowing our kids a phone. The problem is as soon as that happens there is risk of them using facebook, instagram, what’s app and any other app that may pop up in the next few years. Put on top of this screen time on Youtube and Game apps. Kids far too young are getting iPads and smart phones and being exposed to the dangers of social media without fully knowing the long term impact on their mental health and wellbeing.
WHAT…….a phone at 10 years old?
I am sorry what does a 10 year old need with a phone? Some parents have admitted to me that they don’t want their kid to be left out and that there will be a pressure to be popular. So I suppose the idea is that those without phones are then deemed UNpopular? I hope my son can hold his own with his personality and charisma rather than just the fact he has a phone like everyone else.
The other popular justification is the phone is for safety and parents want to know where their kids are at all times. Are they more in danger than we were 30 years ago? Maybe. But why are kids walking alone at 10years old anyway? Do they not walk in groups or with a parent? I don’t plan for my son to walk home alone until maybe 12?? Perhaps I may change when he gets there but for now I can’t see safety being a problem. Surely they don’t need a phone if you are with them or they have a group of them and they are responsible.
It’s a cop out.
If you do feel unsafe about your kids walking around without you, give them a basic phone that they can receive and make calls. They surely do not need a smartphone. One of my 12 year old clients has a iPhone 11….really?? I remember walking home from school when I was around 10-12 years old without being able to tell my parents when I would get home. They knew if I was later than 4pm something was wrong and If I was later than 4, and I was ok, I was in trouble. So I got home by 4.
We couldn’t tell our friends when we were going to be late…so we never were. “Meet you at the football pitch at 5pm”, “see you at the movies at 6”- and everyone was there. Full stop.
If you were being picked up by a friends parent to go somewhere you waited outside for them to come and if they were late, you waited a bit more. None of this….”I am just running late see you in 5min….”????
Lacking Social Interaction
My worry is how the warped social interaction that kids experience now with phones at their immediate disposal will affect their social skills later in life. I have seen many times, a group of teens hanging out at the park or at a fast food restaurant (yes I have been to one!) all with their phones out. Many of them are not talking to each other other than to share a funny thing they have found on YouTube.
One piece of advice that I love is that if you are out with your friends or family, leave your phone at home. You are out with those you love…. so who are you waiting to hear from. Maybe one of you of the group has a phone and the rest of you experience the night with out the distraction of your phone.
Hey listen, I am fully guilty of using my phone too much and admittedly being a bad example sometimes for my son. I check emails unnecessarily, get hooked on the latest Netflix show they promote to me (based on all the other ones I have watched before). I have mummy groups on facebook and what’s app that I seem to check too often. I communicate to my admin manager via what’s app rather than chatting over the phone. I text way more than I would ever call someone and even I feel like I am losing that deep connection with people.
So what hope do our children have.
We are one of the last generations to have experienced life without the internet and cell phones and also the impact of life with it. Don’t get me wrong there are many great things that have come from it, but for our children sake there seem to be more negative effects.
Why Social Media is bad for our Kids
An article from Psycom states that too much time spent on social media can result in symptoms of anxiety and/or depression and ultimately become a destructive form of media.
- Focusing on likes: The need to gain “likes” on social media can cause teens to make choices they would otherwise not make, including altering their appearance, engaging in negative behaviours, and accepting risky social media challenges. There was an amazing Black Mirror episode where it poked fun (to a dangerous end) the power of LIKES in our social world. The woman in the show was liked and rated like an UBER driver in every situation she was in. Buying coffee, shopping for clothes and how she interacted at work. You got a rating for how personable and friendly you were. You had a bad day…your rating went right down to where those who were under a certain rating were excluded from certain establishments or opportunities. It was a dystopian world that is not that far off of where we are now. Everything from physical appearance to life circumstances to perceived successes and failures are under a microscope on social media.
- Cyberbullying: Teen girls in particular are at risk of cyberbullying through use of social media, but teen boys are not immune. Cyberbullying is associated with depression, anxiety, and an elevated risk of suicidal thoughts.
- Making comparisons: It is very difficult to avoid making comparisons between you and your peers. You see them at parties, or holidays or maybe hanging out with your friends without you. What they wear, what they say, how they do their hair is out there to be judged. How many likes did she/he get versus me?
One study out of the University of Pittsburgh, for example, found a correlation between time spent scrolling through social media apps and negative body image feedback. Those who had spent more time on social media had 2.2 times the risk of reporting eating and body image concerns, compared to their peers who spent less time on social media. The participants who spent the most time on social media had 2.6 times the risk.
- Having too many fake friends: Even with privacy settings in place, teens can collect thousands of friends through friends of friends on social media. The more people on the friend list, the more people have access to screenshot photos, Snaps, and updates and use them for other purposes. There is no privacy on social media.
- Less face time: Social interaction skills require daily practice, even for teens. It’s difficult to build empathy and compassion (our best weapons in the war on bullying) when teens spend more time “engaging” online than they do in person. Human connection is a powerful tool and builds skills that last a lifetime. If we think back to going out to dinner with our friends even 20 years ago….there were no phones on the table, you didn’t jump on your phone or feel the need to look at your feeds constantly if you were there alone. You chatted, you interacted, you observed. Not just observing and being present with who you were with but everyone around you. If you went on public transport you said “HI” to people, you may have even had a conversation with someone sitting beside you. There was no opportunity for distraction so instead you got interaction. Now it is deemed abnormal to speak to someone in public transport and even there is a threat that someone speaking to you who you don’t know, may be mentally unstable.
- We are not happy with silence : People are finding it difficult or impossible to shut off distraction. It is everywhere we look. Where as back in the day we had to imagine and dream and create our own entertainment, now it is an effort to shut it off. We are forced to meditate and have “quiet” time so we can block out the noise. How are our kids going to deal with being in their own company. And will they ever have to be??
- The idea that anything can be instantaneous: We can fall in love in 2 hours, we can get our best job right after school, we can make milions by 25, we can be famous in one moment. I watched a motivational talk from Simon Sinek (see video below) and he highlights the power of interaction, hard work and the journey towards something. He mentioned that millennials are dreamers and want to make an impact but don’t understand that getting somewhere amazing takes work. They come out of school, start their first job and want to quit within a few months because they are not making the impact they hoped for. Because we are told by social media that everything can happen for us in a blink. We are no longer taught that things take time, patience, hardship.
I Worry for my Son….
I worry that he will have distant connections that are superficial with people rather than having a few really close deep relationships. I worry that he will fall in love with someone instantly that looks like the fake women portrayed in the media and not look for the substance behind that look. I worry that he will not know how to work hard and push through hardship to get to where he wants to go. I worry he will take things for granted and give up too easy. I worry that to much access to everything will make him less emotional about things and less connected to anything. He won’t know how to cry, or have time alone without any distraction. He will play games with screens rather than boards. He will see the world through virtual glasses and speak to people through internet channels. He will feel invincible. He won’t know who to turn to when he is feeling down.
So I speak to him about all of this now….I talk about how women are wrongly portrayed in the media. I ensure he gets outside just as much as he uses his iPad. I talk to him about sex and drugs because within 2 years he will see it, if not on his phone, on his friends phones. I give him strength to stand up to bullies and explain why they may do what they do. I give him confidence to be who he is with his sushi lunch box instead of his white bread sandwich. I cook healthy things with him and let him eat the shit things and let him decide which is best.
I am making him a critical thinker and explaining that you don’t get things you really want unless you work hard at it.
I don’t know if I am doing enough to combat what he is due to face. But I am hoping it can help him face this new world with the right mindset.
I would love your thoughts on this topic.